What do you mean she won’t come in for a meeting? She’s been off for four months. We need to know what’s happening. Well, if that’s how she wants to play it…
In a matter of seconds, you’ve gone from seeing this person as an individual who’s signed off sick to someone who’s being deliberately difficult. Yet that may not be the case. So, rather than looking at the situation from a management perspective, this blog offers the employee experience and shares the benefits of remembering that, at the heart of any conflict, are people with genuine needs and feelings.
The employee experience of being off work
It started six months ago. A new manager meant a change of expectations. Suddenly your flexibility was gone. You understand different people have different styles; that isn’t the issue. The problem is you had an agreement with your previous manager. He understood yourneed to be home by 3.30 pm on Wednesdays; it just wasn’t in writing.
This guy changed all that. As soon as he started, you realised he’d be less supportive of you leaving earlier one day a week, so you put in a flexible working request to formalise what you already had. He ignored it. Instead, he demanded more and more meaning there was no way you could leave at 3.00 pm, even one day a week. You could try talking to him – but there’s no point – he wouldn’t listen.
For weeks you called in personal favours trying to juggle conflicting priorities. It was awfuland created so much stress at home. You just couldn’t cope, and felt really ill, so you saw your doctor.
She signed you off, then nothing. No check ins, no ‘are you ok?’ Just silence, and now the thought of going back fills you with dread. So, no, you don’t feel able to go in for a meeting tomorrow, especially not with him.
The initial contact during conflict
How you first approach an individual in any potential conflict situation can have a huge impact on what happens next.
In this scenario, the employee feels alone, isolated by situation she feels her manager’s put her in. She’s heard nothing from anyone in management since she was signed off with stress four months ago. Now, out of the blue, there’s a call saying she needs to come in for a meeting.
How would you feel?
Chances are, you’d feel reluctant too, particularly if the person you’re speaking to is part of the problem. Think about it from the employee’s perspective:
- Why do they want to see me?
- Am I going to lose my job?
- Can I take someone with me?
- What if I’m not ready to go back to work?
- Will it just be me and him in the meeting?
The uncertainty of expectations is unnerving, and the lack of support so far has createdfeelings of distrust and anxiety. Suddenly demanding a meeting may not get the best result, so let’s think about an alternative approach.
Understanding your own triggers
Often HR and senior managers don’t get involved in these situations until they’ve escalated. You’re kept out of it until the issue’s so big you have to step in. It’s why, before you take any action, you should consider where your own perceptions are coming from by asking yourself three questions.
1. What have you been told?
When you get involved in a situation, you’ll be given information from at least one party. In this case, probably the manager and they’ll have their own perspective and bias towards the individual.
Given the circumstances, it’s possible the manager believes the employee’s underperforming, or being deliberately difficult because she wants her flexibility. They’re unlikely to say anything about the flexible working request they’ve ignored, or the fact previous flexibility has been taken away.
You may also make your own assumptions which might not be fair or accurate. So, take time to prepare, and approach any conflict situation objectively.
What information do you have and is it consistent everywhere? What’s led you to draw any conclusions and are these based on others’ bias? Think also about any information you’remissing.
2. What’s the ongoing impact?
How does this situation affect the business? The team? A particular project? Having someone out for a long period of time will undoubtedly have a knock-on effect, and you’re likely paying for someone to cover in the meantime. How does that impact your mindset?
Is this someone who’s being difficult and costing you money and where you’re focused on the process? Or have you asked what contact’s been had so far and considered why this person might be hesitant about coming in?
There are lots of questions you might ask in this situation. The most important is: have you remembered the human factor?
People often only say what you want to hear in business, so it’s unlikely the manager will share the lack of communication, or how they might have contributed to the situation. It’s why you need to seek wider clarification. You must establish the facts first, and then work out how best to approach the next conversation.
3. Why does this issue matter?
Irrespective of what’s triggered a situation, you need to understand what makes this issue important. A scenario like this could be full of risk, so beware making assumptions purely based on the impact to the business.
Work out how to better understand:
- why this issue’s arisen?
- what other perspectives you may need to be mindful of?
- any needs not being met?
- the risks that might present?
Once you understand its importance, you can consider the options for moving it forward and only then can you start thinking about possible resolution.
Addressing the conflict with sensitivity
Before you go back all gun’s blazing, stop to think about the individual’s reaction. Why have they said no to the meeting? Is it a definite no, or is it not tomorrow? Check your perception about what they’ve said and consider why they may have reacted in that way. Then use these steps to help you address the issue:
Be empathetic: Pick up the phone or drop them an email recognising the situation. Explain you know it’s been a while since anyone was in contact and genuinely apologise if that’s the case. Share that your focus is checking how she is and findingout what support she needs. Chances are that the employee will be far more receptive to this type of conversation than an email or letter demanding a meeting.
Use active listening: Pay full attention to what she says. Pick up on the nuances of what isn’t being said and explore them. Be thoughtful and considerate of her feelings and take comments and concerns seriously. Seek to understand things from her point of view and, where you can, acknowledge her perspective.
Recognise the personal impact: No conflict is one-sided. If someone’s in a challenging situation, whether that’s addressing a project concern and managing client expectations or returning to work after a prolonged absence, the employee is affected by it too. They’re likely not being deliberately difficult, and you won’t know what effect the issue’s having on them unless you ask. They may also not recognise the impact it’s having on you/the team either.
Be open to alternative views: A willingness to accept alternative perspectives goes a long way towards addressing conflict. You may not see eye to eye on everything, butrecognising that an employee’s experience might be different from your own is a big step towards addressing a problem.
Sometimes you’re the wrong person
Be self-aware. Most people can identify a time when the wrong person came to speak to themabout an issue, or when they went to someone else because the ‘obvious’ person wasn’t the best person to support.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is refer a conflict situation to someone else or ask the other person if they’d prefer to speak with a different colleague. It might be better for them to speak with a member of HR, a different person on the management team, or even an external facilitator or mediator.
If you aren’t sure who to ask, and you’d like support working out your next steps, contact me. Call the HR Detective Hotline on 01278 802329 for impartial advice on how best to address the situation in a way that works for everyone involved.
