Everyone has difficult conversations sometimes. You might be telling a candidate they were unsuccessful at interview, sharing the need for redundancies, or explaining why a team member needs to improve their performance. Very few people enjoy these conversations, but why are they so difficult to have?
The short answer is often linked to fear. Fear of upsetting someone, fear you don’t have the right skills to speak to them, fear of their reaction – will they cry? Become argumentative? Storm off? So, to make these easier, you first need to understand what difficult conversations are. You must recognise the impact they have on you and then you can consider how to manage them. So, let’s look at:
- What makes a conversation difficult
- How those conversations make you feel
- Tips to prepare for them effectively
Why some conversations are more difficult than others
Asking someone what they’re having for dinner or where they’re walking at lunch is pretty easy. You just ask the question and, typically, get an answer. The conversation continues from there and it feels simple.
Yet not all conversations are like this. Some innately feel difficult before you’ve even started.Why? Normally because you’re expecting conflict. That isn’t to say you’re getting ready for a blazing row; conflict comes in various forms. It might show up as awkwardness, frustration, or upset. Perhaps embarrassment or resentment. There could be personality clashes, misaligned needs, and even unfair assumptions.
In the workplace, these difficult conversations are often:
- Addressing a performance concern
- Managing a grievance or a disciplinary situation
- Resolving an argument between two or more people
- Discussing pay reviews or promotions
- Understanding reasons for sickness absence
These conversations won’t be difficult for everyone, but for others, they will cause both physical and mental distress. Sweaty palms, shortness of breath, anxiety and stress, and why? Because you’re concerned how the other person will react. You’re emotionally invested in the outcome.
Rather than assuming you’re going to have a great conversation, you expect it to go badly, so it does.
The feelings linked to difficult conversations
Depending on the topic, you could be faced with any one of many emotions when you address a difficult conversation. You might find the other person is defensive, fearful, angry, upset. Wouldn’t you be if your job security, reputation, or confidence were at risk?
Yet emotions aren’t the only thing which make conversations difficult – it’s the overall effectiveness of your communication. When you have great relationships with your colleagues, having a tough talk is easier. You already have a foundation of trust and understanding, so you’re able to minimise miscommunication and provide support where it’s needed.
You can also adapt your communication style. As a result, the person hearing the message is more likely to respond calmly, even if they don’t like what’s being said.
Without those skills, you’re reliant on your own emotions carrying you through. You expect your brain to recognise what’s going on and adjust accordingly. The problem is, you don’t always make great decisions when you’re under pressure, because your own emotions can take over.
Preparing for Difficult Conversations
The more you practice, the easier these types of conversations become. So here are five tips to help you feel ready for next time:
1. Prepare, prepare, prepare: gather all the information you need to be confident you’re clear on the message and have accurate, objective, and timely examples to refer to.
2. Self-reflect: Think about your own emotions and perspective. What makes this conversation difficult or stressful for you and what support do you need to manage that?
3. Anticipate likely reactions: You can’t work through all the possible options but consider which are most likely. How will you respond? Are you able to manage those situations? Do you need any support to have that conversation well?
4. Approach the conversation positively: When you think something will go reasonably well, it has a better chance of doing so. That doesn’t mean delivering a redundancy message with a smile. Instead, it’s looking for a way to share the main message in an empathetic and supportive way that works for all those involved. It’s also important to acknowledge where something is difficult and ensure you don’t dismiss how the other person is feeling.
5. Follow up afterwards: This one often gets missed, because your initial worry and subsequent relief of having the conversation has gone. You feel better already, and it’s only been two minutes. Yet, what about the other person? You’ve had time to think about this and prepare but for them it’s still very new. It’s harder to concentrate when you’re upset, worried or angry, so thank them for speaking with you. Remind them of the key points in writing, then check in and revisit the situation when they’ve had chance to process it.
The benefits of tackling difficult conversations
While they may not feel great at the time, having the difficult discussion is almost always better than not having it. It prevents minor issues growing into complex grievances and small disagreements festering resulting in a change to company-wide culture.
You’re aim is to be proactive and constructive, so the other person understands the issue and can do something about it. It’s also an opportunity for you to offer support and understanding. Perhaps there’s a family issue impacting their attendance, or a lack of training which would address a performance concern.
Approaching these conversations with an open mind and awareness of your own potential biases will allow you to reach better conclusions. They may not always lead to a positive outcome, but building your own confidence around having them is an important place to start.
Talking through your options
When you’re faced with a difficult conversation, it can be tempting to ignore it, especially if you aren’t sure whether you’ll be doing the right thing.
As a people manager, it’s expected you know how to deal with minor, or major, conflicts, but sometimes you aren’t sure about the right next step. When that happens, call the HR Detective Hotline on 01278 802329. We can provide advice on where to start and, if needs be, step in to support you to help you get it right.
